


The Conversation

by LittleSweetCheeks



Category: Madam Secretary
Genre: F/M, Panic Attack, Post Iran, Talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:53:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27481516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleSweetCheeks/pseuds/LittleSweetCheeks
Summary: Elizabeth realizes she has to talk.
Relationships: Elizabeth McCord/Henry McCord
Comments: 6
Kudos: 12





	1. Chapter 1

“You have to be honest with them.”

“Henry…” Desperation was in her voice. She was seated in a kitchen chair, feet curled up under her.

“What happens if something like this hits you while you’re away? Huh? What happens if you’re in the middle of some- some event? And something triggers you? They are your biggest allies, and you know it, Babe.” He sagged back, sitting on the back of the couch, arms crossed. “And you can’t tell me that over the past few days, that they don’t already have a clue what’s going on.”

She felt embarrassment flush along her cheeks. “I can’t talk about it! I’m not ready! Don’t you see that?”

“You don’t have to give them the details. Just… Just be honest. Tell them you’re struggling. Give them permission to help you or to step in and intervene. Something. Stop pushing yourself to be coping with this. No one expects you to be handling it right now.”

She curled her shoulders, pressing her chin to the side as her eyes squeezed shut. Trying her best to become invisible. “I can’t handle this either.”

“Well, then… I’m going to reach out to Conrad and tell him I think you need to be forced into medical leave for a while until you can.”

“What? You can’t do that, Henry!”

His voice rose in frustration. “Please, Elizabeth. You can’t talk to me; you can’t be at least honest with your staff… you aren’t going to be able to get through this. Not until you can talk.”

Her voice went soft, desperate. “Stop… yelling at me…”

The room plunged into silence as she failed to produce a response to his repeated request to just talk.

Several minutes passed before a phone beeped in the kitchen, sluggishly drawing Henry’s attention. As much as he didn’t want this moment to be hijacked prematurely, he knew his wife’s phone could never go ignored. The three-word message on the screen made him hopeful that even if she wasn’t going to talk just yet, that perhaps she also wasn’t going to be twisting in the wind.

He crossed to the table and placed her phone beside her. “Blake’s checking in.” Henry watched as she ignored the phone and the message blinking on it. “Babe.”

“I’ll just quit then.”

“So, you don’t have to talk?” There was exasperation bleeding out in his tone.

“What if they lose faith in me?”

“What?’

“What if they lose faith in my ability to do my job, Henry?” Her blue eyes shimmered when they met his. “What if I admit I can’t handle this right now and they lose faith?”

“Babe.”

She swallowed. “I’ve lost faith in me.” Her phone beeped again, but they both ignored it.

“It’s okay that you’ve lost faith in yourself right now.” He assured her. “That’s why you have all of us to lean on.”

“I don’t want this.”

“I know.”

“I’m not dealing with it very well, am I?”

“Actually… I don’t think you’re doing too bad so far.” He pulled a chair over and sat as close as he could to her, resting a hand on her leg. “Now, you need to reply to those messages before you get a third one.”

Silence returned for several seconds. “I think that was the third one… It went off while you were changing.” She drew a small breath. “I didn’t check it to see who it was though.”

“Okay.” Henry let the conversation drop away as he simply sat with her for a while. Twenty minutes passed before the land line rang, flashing that it was security out front. “Yeah?” He listened a moment though he already knew what they would say. “Send him through.” He put the phone back in its cradle and turned back to his wife. “Do you want me to talk to him and send him away?” In the distance, the front door opened and closed, and heavy footsteps sounded along the floors.

“Yes.”

The footsteps stopped and Henry turned around in his spot by the sink. Hidden by the shadows of the dark pantry stood Blake looking past him to the kitchen table. Silence lingered again as he watched Blake watching Elizabeth. Henry realized the younger man must’ve come from home, no surprise given the late hour, as he was dressed down in jeans and a sweater instead of his usual suit. “I’m sorry, Blake.” He finally started, pushing off from where he’d leaned and rounding the island.

He caught a slight nod as his wife’s assistant backed further into the shadows. Henry followed him into the darkness.

“She won’t talk… To anyone.” His admission was soft so Elizabeth wouldn’t overhear. “She even suggested quitting. She’s just not… She’s not ready and I can’t push her to get there any faster.”

Blake’s eyes silently cut through the kitchen again, they could only barely make out Elizabeth from this angle.

“I’m at a loss.” The admission hurt. “I can only get to halfway and then wait for her to be ready to meet me the rest of the way.” Henry sighed, leaning against the wall so they could both watch her sitting in silence. “I get upset because I just want her to talk to me and she just… shuts down. I know getting angry won’t help but I’m- I don’t know what to do.”

The first floor returned to silence and Henry tried to listen to it, wondering if maybe the answer he needed to help her was lost somewhere in it. Long minutes ticked by. Eventually, Henry drew a breath. “I’m sorry you drove over here for nothing.” He turned. It dawned on him that the other man hadn’t said a single word yet. Had simply stood quietly as he rambled.

A thought wafted through his mind. “Maybe… You did take time out to check on her… Why don’t you go on through?”

He barely caught the slight nod before Blake eased past, passing through the kitchen, and taking the chair he’d vacated when the phone had rung, still as silent as he’d been since he’d arrived. Left in the pantry alone, Henry moved to the doorway, leaning against the frame as he crossed his arms.

At the table, he watched Blake lean forward, elbows rested in his knees as his hands folded together and his head bowed. No physical connection, no attempt to talk, not even an attempt to make eye contact. Elizabeth stayed curled into herself, not even lifting her head to acknowledge her assistant was in the room. It was as if he was staring at a painting instead of two real people and the painting lingered, drew out until Henry realized his feet ached from standing in one place on the hard floor for so long.

Fifteen minutes slipped by before the first sob shook his wife’s body. Henry hesitated, unsure for the first time in nearly three decades.

At the table, Blake didn’t move.

A second sob was followed by a gasp and still, no one moved.

When the third happened, it was the tipping point. Floodgates opened and she began to cry in earnest, but it wasn’t until she whispered some broken word he couldn’t catch from the other side of the room that Blake’s head rose, ignoring her, to look right at him.

Somehow, it was the permission Henry didn’t realized his body had been waiting for as he closed the remainder of the distance, finding the seat in front of her vacated by the time he made it to her side. Henry gathered Elizabeth in his arms, pulling her across so she was seated in his lap, holding her, grounding her to him. “I’m right here.” He whispered into her hair. “I’ve got you.”

“I’m so sorry I’m all messed up.” She spoke around the sobs. “I just keep seeing it over and over and it won’t stop. Henry…”

“I know. I’m here.” He tried his best to comfort her.

“That poor boy, seeing his father murdered… Seeing all that death… How will he ever get past that?”

“I don’t know, Babe.” There were always victims left behind in war. Victims that were totally innocent.

Eventually, she ran out of steam and the tears subsided. “Henry… I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“I don’t want to quit.”

“I know.”

She shifted in his arms to find a more comfortable position. “I have to tell my staff. They deserve to have a real explanation and… And to feel comfortable talking about it. You’re right, I can’t do this without them.” She drew a shaky breath. “What do I even say?”

“Whatever you’re comfortable with. They’ve been trying their hardest to protect you already this week, whatever you say isn’t going to come as a shock to any of them.”

She sighed against him. “Maybe I’ll order in lunch and try and figure it out over a meal.”

“You could always start with Blake tonight.” When she turned to him looking slightly confused, he elaborated. “He’s here. He was sitting with you.”

“I thought you’d sent him away. I never heard him.”

“He…” Henry looked around what he could see of the first floor but came up empty. “He never said anything. Let me go see if he’s still here.” He helped her back into the other chair and tracked through the house to the front door, opening it to see the agents out in the darkness. “Did Blake leave?”

Carl turned to him. “Went for a walk. Said he’d stop back by in a bit.”

“Oh.”

“Everything alright tonight, Doctor McCord?”

“Huh? Yes. Fine.” Henry brushed off his concern.

It was twenty minutes before Henry heard the front door open and shut again from where he had Elizabeth had curled up on the couch in the TV room. He’d told Carl to send Blake in when he returned. By then, Henry had managed to get Elizabeth to eat and talk a bit more freely as he held her in his arms. When he never heard Blake come any closer, Henry twisted around, finding him hovering at the corner between the TV room and the kitchen.

“Blake.” He greeted, drawing the other man slowly in. He could make out apprehension on his face now. “You’re not interrupting anything; we were just talking as we waited for you to come back.”

The apprehension seemed to linger as he took a seat in the chair and leaned forward again, waiting.

The silence didn’t seem to bother Elizabeth like it was starting to get to him, she simply shifted against him and began talking, slowly doing her best to explain what she could of the past few days. Through the whole thing, Henry watched as Blake watched her talk, his focus only on her.

It was the most she’d talked about it from coming home from Iran and Henry was thankful she was finally getting it off her chest. When she seemed to finish, Henry tightened his hold to hug her again and whispered how proud he was of her in her ear before pressing a kiss against her hair.

Eventually, Blake stood to leave, and Henry followed him to the door. “Thanks for coming.”

Blake nodded, speaking for the first time all evening. “I’m sorry you’re going through this.” The phrasing struck Henry as a little odd, but Blake carried on. “I’ll arrange the lunch she mentioned for tomorrow, but so you know, the others are already wanting to pitch in and be supportive, they were just waiting for her to tell them what she needed. She’ll have their support, don’t worry.”

Henry tipped his head. “And you?”

“I try to be there for her every day.”

“I appreciate that. Tonight was…” He wasn’t sure how to phrase his thoughts. “I was surprised she opened up so easily.”

He watched as Blake turned, looking back through the dark house. “My job is to shut up and listen.” His lips twitched as a thought seemed to flit through his head. “I’m not the fixer or… or anything else. Just the listener… Good night, Henry.”

“Good night.”


	2. Chapter 2

Elizabeth nervously stepped into her office and looked at the group passing around containers of Chinese food. She still wasn’t exactly sure how she was going to talk to her staff about what had been going on, but she did agree with Henry that she had to tell them something.

Nadine, Daisy, and Jay were on the couch swapping boxes as they filled bowls Jay had commandeered from the break room. Matt was across from them grabbing what he could. The four of them were chatting good naturedly as they always did, probably thankful to have a moment to relax after they week they’d all had. Elizabeth felt a smile try and form at the sight of them. They really were there for her, no matter what, she understood that academically, but it was hard to put her trust into practice.

“Ma’am, your food.” Blake’s soft voice pulled her out of her musings and to the bowl he was holding out.

“Thank you.” She accepted it and crossed the room, placing it on her desk before facing her staff. Blake remained standing, hovering out of the way by the chair it seemed he assumed she would be taking. She patted his arm. “Go ahead and sit.” She watched as he looked her over and then gave the slightest shake of his head before moving to stand off to the side near Nadine.

She drew a breath, leaning back to rest against the front of her desk, putting that tiny bit of distance between herself and them. “I wanted to talk to all of you about the past week. I know the plan fell together… or apart, depending on your view, very quickly and that I left for Iran without any warning for all of you.” She paused, risking a glance their way. “At the time… At the time, I wasn’t thinking about all of you, and I’m sorry for that. I was thinking about how much of a fight Henry was going to give me, which he did, and I just didn’t want… I didn’t want to have the same fight here… I knew all of you would have been very vocal against my going. Especially alone and with only a few agents.” She studied their faces, the emotions that raced across them. “I am sorry. I still believe it was for the best that I went, but… you are my advisors for a reason, and I took away your opportunity to do your jobs.”

She could see they wanted to speak. “Maybe… maybe you could say anything you wanted to tell me then? Or while I was gone? I need all of you here with me and that means we all have to be able to get past this.”

When no one spoke up, she carried on. “I know by now you’ve all read as much as you could handle of the official reports. There’s… I don’t think there’s anything that was left out and I’m sure between them and the media, you all have more than enough of a picture of what it was like.” She huffed, turning her chin into her right shoulder a moment before turning back to them.

“The past few days…” She paused, unsure how to explain it now that she’d started. She let her eyes go unfocused while she thought about how to tell them. She agreed with Henry, it needed to be an honest and open discussion because what if… What if something happened and she needed them…

Something brushed against her left arm and she turned to see Blake had move from his spot by the couch to leaning against the desk beside her. She offered him a half smile before turning back to the others. “The past few days, I haven’t been sleeping because of nightmares and I’m sure-” She drew a sharp breath. “I’m sure you’ve noticed the flashbacks.” The air burned in her lungs. She swallowed back the waver trying to form in her voice. “And then the panic attack yesterday.” She concentrated on forcing a breath out, only to suck it in again. “It seems I am experiencing some PTSD from what happened and I’ll- I’ll be fitting time in to work through that.” She sucked in another breath. “I just-” She could feel her hands shaking now where she gripped the desk. “I wanted to be open with you, so you don’t feel you’re overstepping if I need help.” She lurched off the desk, walking toward the side door. “Excuse me.”

=MS=

Daisy waited until the door was closed before looking around the group. “Was that supposed to reassure us everything’s fine?”

The look Nadine shot her was heated. “She is fine.”

Blake sighed as he’d done the day before. “She’s fine until she says otherwise.”

“You said that yesterday.” Matt pointed out. “And yet we watched her devolve into, what? Another panic attack just now?”

“The difference is now she’s acknowledging there’s a problem and that we can intervene.” He defended. “Believe me, that wasn’t an easy thing for her to do.”

“Should someone go and check, maybe, that she is actually fine?” Jay asked. “Because it didn’t look fine to me.”

They all exchanged looks a moment before Nadine stood. “I’ll go and check on her.”

When the door shut behind her, the others exchanged looks again. “This is going to blow up in our faces.” Daisy stated.

When it seemed no one else was going to say anything, Blake pushed off from the desk. “We just have to listen. Listen to what she’s saying, how she sounds… what she doesn’t say.”

Daisy looked around at the three of them. “You really think we can get past this?”

All three nodded as Jay answered out loud. “I do. But Blake’s right, we just have to be sure to listen.”


End file.
